Something's wrong with me.

Today I was VERY s_uicidal. I probably would've tried but all the razors are locked up. I'm thinking about running away... I don't know. I know I sound emo, or whatever, but seriously... I just... Blah.

I want to die.

Butterflies on the wall

omgzorz. Bored. My friends suck. They think I'm a w_hore. And they walk all over me. And I'm a bad person because I mooch off other people. Score. Going anorexic today. Huzzah. Krista, comment and make me feel wuved.

Sometimes... I regret breaking up with Zach.

A lot of the time... I regret breaking up with Monty.

I'm not one of those people that's like... begging for a relationship and would go out with abseloutely anybody but seriously... I miss holding someone's hand.

Yesterday I worked out for 2 hours on DDR. I've GOT to lose 30lbs for the month of April, therefore I can be all pretty in a swim suit for beach bash. Le sigh.

Sometimes I want to be the object of everyone's affection, but not labeled a skank.

Le sigh.

Say the word, and I'll pull the trigger.

EMO IS ONE STEP BELOW T_RANVESTITE

Dude. Livedigital.com kicks ass. Anyways.

Orchestra sucked today. Ms. Comfort's a biznatch.

Krista and Kaci called me a _ .

Marissa called me fat.

JOY TO THE WORLD!!

Rip stabby stab stab.

"UHHHH... I don't know!! It must've been Kaci!!"

School sucks. I shall stab it in the eye. Today I had a cig. Huzzah.

ISS

Hurrah! Mesa saw Krista y Monty in ISS!! They start BLC tomorrow and I won't get to see them. :*(

I'm a dork. There was no chair test yesterday for HYS. Hurrah, I get another week to work on it. Anyways. So at the concert on Saturday for FBSO, Andrew and I agreed to a gig at this bar thing that I *think* pays +100. Not really agreed... I was like, "Yay!" And then I had to beg Andrew... :/ Oh well. Chair test for HYS next week, next concert for FBSO is in May. So yeah.

I went into the ISS room and I was like, "YO! Can I have ISS??" And he said no. :( Krista and Monty laughed at me. :P

CALL ME YOU GUYS!!! I miss Krista and Monty... :*(

And I just agreed to back up some orchestra at the Stafford center. Hurrah.

Pre-UIL judging was BORING! And most of them sucked. But there was this one orchestra, where they got a really nice balanced sound, which is hard to acheive. :)

So I've got a video camera and I need an idea for a HILARIOUS end of the year segment. Ideas? And no, Jin, I will NOT do a o. >.<

T-th-th-that's all folks!!

Bam's Hot tat

This is the tattoo I want and this is where I want it:

I wanna pony... and a magic dream castle!

Monty, chill. Krista, chill.

I already went over everything in a comment. So yeah. I won't go into it again. Yesterday was my FBSO concert... It was okay. I never really got lost. It was probably my best FBSO performance, I just didn't feel very confident about it. Our next concert is next month and it's Peter and the Wolf for little kids. Cute, eh? So I think I've decided I want to quit FBSO and join Virtuosi. I guess what I'll do is try out for both and then if I make Virtuosi, I'll join, but if I don't I'll stay with FBSO.

http://www.sheetmusicplus.com/store/smp_detail.html?cart=33523616717205636&item=4302649

Andrew, that's the URL for the music book you wanted.

So Marissa came to my concert and practically fell asleep. Le sigh. Damn people and their non classical music appreciation. *shrug* Whatev. So then we went to Cafe East and made a HUGE commotion and had EVERYONE staring at us. Lmao. And these guys kept laughing at us and trying to talk to us, but like... They didn't speak English or something. And then we went to her house and went wild at the park and woke up the entire neighborhood. Then her dad got mad at us and I went home around midnight. Hurrah!

I think I had a dream about Monty. He was in the same place as me or something and he's like "Hey." and he gave me a hug. *shrug*

Haha, hug and shrug rythme. Anywho.

Recital today, 3:30, HBU, be there or be square.

Boom! Headshot!

Lissie's mad at me because she thinks... Well. Let's not go there.

I spent lunch in the computer lab helping Kaci study. Le sigh. I'm kind of excited for soccer to start. Listening to the smart people talk about smart things. :(

I have put on another med, but I wanted this one. It's an ADHD medication. Friggin finally. :D

I have nothing else to say.

Jakeypoo!

I'm so friggin bored. We're working on this science powerpoint. Boring. So my mom gave me $10 and I used >$8 on my lunch. Phwoar. My mom is going to KILL me. Anyways. On to Jakeypoo, that wetard. Jake should be honored that my post is named after him.

I miss Krista. :( I lmiss Monty :(

GHAHAHAHAHASJFHAKLSDJSDJGNFASLDFNLSDJBN!

I don't know.

I <3 Invader Zim. 'Kay so anyways. Andrew's daughter should learn viola! *cough cough cough*

AHAHAH! Jake wants me. I'm uber hawt. *cough cough cough sputter cough*

'Kay. So yeah. Give me pie!! Uhm. I gotta go. Later.

BLC

Krista and Monty got BLC. Poor Krista... Poor Monty...

I'm so out of it I might cry. In therapy we managed to establish that my meds don't work anymore and that I have to get them changed and that I'm no longer happy, nor motivated whatsoever. It's pretty pathetic. I feel like crap. I going out in public unless I'm wearing the baggiest sweat shirt ever, because I've gained 40lbs since I've been put on that STUPID med. And I want off it but dad said no because of the smoking. And I'm sooo out of shape, my legs ache, it hurts to go up stairs. So. I'm joining a soccer team! Heh. Heh. Hahaa. Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHA! Me. Soccer. Actually, if you must know. I used to play soccer a load when I was little. I was on an all 's team for a couple of seasons, and I also played soft ball. So NYEAH! And I played Soccer every day of elementary school at recess. So. In your face motha. And I want people to come to my games when the season starts. Hurrah. I'm sure Kaci will. :P <3

Anyways.

I miss cutting.

:D

Geez, time is flying.

Ew. Monday. This whole Monty deal makes me want to cry and scream, and worst of all... cut. At the ice skating rink, Monty told me about how Courtney asked him out and he said no because she was a f*ing bitch. And I can't help but think if that was some kind of way of tellimg ME I'm a bitch. Blah. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Sometimes I think mom's divorcing dad because she's paranoid he was going to cheat on her. And my grades are utterly horrible; if I don't bring them up, I'll have to repeat 8th grade. And I'm such a mess, I haven't even gotten to bass. Pre-UIL and FBSO concert are on Saturday, recital and HYS Chair Test on Sunday, so I need to talk to Andrew about playing as early as possible for the recital. And then sometime after that is my HYS audition for next year and all I can do is pray that I make Phil. And I feel like God is testing me or something. I hate how Mr. Ybarra asks if everyone's finished and then he singles ME out and asks me if I'm finished as if I'm the weakest link of the class and I hate it so much and I feel so stupid. Gah. I just want to... Blurg.

But now things are starting to look up. I went to English and found out I made the highest grade possible on my essay we had to turn into the state. Hooray.

Scratch everything. I just found out Krista and Monty practically f*ed. Wow. I'm going to... Jump off a building

Ice Skating Rink

Saw Monty there. Then I went home and cried.

:D

Le Sigh

Bleh. I feel... Worn out. Maybe I need a nice warm bath? Spring Break was nothing I thought it would be. I had zero fun except going to the mall and chatting with Amber. Other than that, I did chores, fixed dinner, went grocery shopping with dad (Dear God...). Men cannot shop. At least, my dad can't. It's like... a kid in a candy store trying to see what he can get for a penny. And I have this STUPID English assignment on "Parallel Journeys" That I reallllly don't want to read. I'd much rather read some Robert Jordan or Terry Brooks or something. But no0o0o. Le sigh. I'm really into my game, Neverwinter Nights. It's amazing. Last night I had some worship time with dad, and then we watched the Passion. I keep looking around for a sign or something, but maybe I'm just being ignorant and refusing everything that comes my way. Religion is hard. But ... it is rewarding, right? I hope so...

I think what I'll do is spend an hour reading Parallel Journeys, and then read Eye of the Beholder for an hour, and just switch off. That way, I'll eventually get to chapter 12 in Parallel Journeys so that I'm prepared for school on Monday. Le sigh.

SMURFY POO

So my dad is going to teach a class. Wewt for him.

Rehersal was okay. I did okay on the runs, some of then I still didn't get. I've got lessons today, so I can smooth out the bumps. I just ate a salad so yay for me. And I'm not going to throw it up. :) After rehearsal I was playing Dragonetti's Waltz and Amy and John were impressed. Hurrah. I have so much crap due for Broadcasting and English. Urga. So it's settled. I'm going to Elkins. :/ I don't really want to be in either elective I chose. I picked orchestra and photo journalism. I really, really don't want to do either. I might switch to French and Dance. Hurrah. I don't know...

High School sucks.

lauradark.jpg (JPEG Image, 500x386 pixels)

Very pretty!!!


I LOVE her lips and eyes. Lips espescially.

Bleeble Blorp

Sheeble shooble feet mooh laca laca.

Rehearsal tonight, apparently. I get to show off my shmexay new bass. <333 Jennifer will be like... "Wooh, pretty..." And I get to show John that I have those Liszt runs down. MUAHAHAHA! Take that. And you thought I couldn't do it! Yeah... Anyways.

I had a dream I bought an ounce, dad took it away, and then I stole 3/4 of it back. I've been looking at legal bud a LOT lately. I just don't know how I'd get it...

Yesterday I threw up muffins and donuts. Hooray.

Oh! Yesterday I went to the mall with Amber and we chatted. It was fun. We made plans to go to Jamba Juice on Friday and do a bible study thing.

I guess that makes me a religious stoner?

[*Bass*]

Why hellllo there. Muahahaha. 'Kay. Anyways.

Yesterday was eventful. I went for a walk with Ryan and I saw Ashton and she offered us a ride, so we went to two of my friend's houses, and neither of them was home. And then from Colony Bend, we walked to the mall and I saw Scott at Hot Topic while looking for Fallon, so I used his cell phone and asked for a ride home. Waited outside and bummed a cigarette off this chick, so I had a cigarette for the first time in about 2 months. Even though it was one puff because then mom drove up, and she was... Sort of mad.

Came home, went to Crossfire. That was fun... 'Cept for everyone all over each other when I've got no one. Heh. And then we went to class, and for prayer requests I mentioned bulimia and divorce. And afterwards, I talked to Amber for a while and she was sympathetic and gave me her cell phone number. And then I went home after eating at "Jumble's" the new Krispy Kreme (LAME!!!) and I wanted to throw up, but I promised Amber I wouldn't, so I went outside to finish my cigarette and dad caught me and it turned into a knock out drag down and this lady was inside her house on the phone calling the police because dad had me nailed the floor and I kept kicking him. So yeah. Heh...

I just played bass for about half an hour working on Mozart and Liszt. My arm started hurting, so I decided to take a break. I think I'm officially hooked on NWN. So fun. :D I'm a level 3 half-elf bard with a Minstrel's glove and a rapier. Oh, and a Rod of Frost. How kick ass is that? Even though dad's like... a level 14. But I just started yesterday, so shove it. :D I need to find someway to keep playing without my forearm giving out.

My new bass is wonderful. <3

Blarga

So. Just sitting here... Wanting to call someone, but I can't. I've been playing NeverWinterNights all day. Fun stuff. Later on, I'll play Lords of Magic, Age of Wonder, Age of Empire, Civilization... Anything I can do to keep my mind of the I've caused. I've found this site with free bud... It looks reallllly good. My little seedling has developed into a pretty little plant. I'm expecting it's first leaves in a week. Hooray.

I went to play bass today, but like... I don't have the energy. Party, because I haven't had my meds yet... But I'm just very uninspired. I finished my last tobacco class (the day after I had a weirdass dream about everyone there at a pot party). So that's over with. I'm done with all my community service. So if all goes well, I'm completely out of trouble with court and Judge Richards. Hurrah.

I'm germinating some more seeds.

Uhm.. WAYNE'S WORLD! IT'S PARTY TIME! IT'S EXCELLENT!

I still miss him.

moving in slow like the smoke from your cigarette.
every step closer's a step that we both will regret.
keeping a tally, but who can keep track?
your overreacting is taking me back to a time better left alone.

holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last.
waiting for better words, they'll never come.
so dry your eyes, it's better.
now it's done.

keep a tight grip like a child holding onto a swingset.
waiting and hoping to find what i can't figure out yet.
please don't unless this is something to me.
another nightmare instead of a dream.
better left alone.

holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last.
waiting for better words, they'll never come.
so dry your eyes, it's better.
now it's done.

i never lost so much.(x3)

holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last.
waiting for better words, they'll never come.
so dry your eyes, it's better.
now it's done.

holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last.
waiting for better words, they'll never come.
so dry your eyes, it's better.
now it's done.

SPRING BREAK '06!!

So like... Yesterday I threw up all day on command at school. About ten different times. Hooray. But then I had McDonald's for dinner and I didn't throw it up. And today, I tried once, but my throat hurts too much. Anyways. SPRING BREAK '06 WAHHHHH!!! 'Cause yeah, we like to party, we we like to party. I've been going to my tobacco classes. Pretty lame, and they take forever but whatever. I smoked a blunt in the library 's bathroom. Lmao. That's just stupid. I only did it because I was already high. And then... I used up all my ing money. >.< Le sigh. So we were playing soccer and the coach made the guys on our team take their shirts off. O.F.M.G. Hot. Blah blah blah got your lovey dovey... Hooray for Marilyn .

Cannabis Tea

Okay. So I only have a little bit of pot left, but I wanted to get high and I'd been hearing about making tea out of your stems. So I did it the ghetto way.

Took about 15 stems, opened a pouch of herbal tea and dumped it out, put the stems in, put it in hot sink water (because I couldn't use the microwave - wake up parents) and like... Let it steep for maybe 7 minutes. It tastes like CRAP and I gagged once, but I think I'm high. Lol.

It's a very different high. More... Sophisticated. Lol. But after doing some research, I think next time I'll grind up the stems.

Anyways. I started germinating seeds a couple days ago and they have sprouted!! Well... Just one, really, but whatever. I'm so... ECSTATIC! So I'm going to germinate some more so that I can have a nice little garden.

Now. Back to my ... interesting tea.

OPPERATION LOSE 35LBS BEFORE MAY!!

So I spent two hours working out after consuming that new Mountain Dew energy drink. It didn't work very well. But I also bought a Sobe energy drink called "Addrenaline rush." I'm going to drink it at FCMS. Huzzah. Monty basically said I've fucked him over too many times for him to give me another chance, so that kind of went down the drain. So now... I'll go get high with some buds and fuck around with them. Or something. Ha. Oh, the regrets I have when I get high. *cough cough* Making out with guy that had girlfriend *sputter* Le sigh. Oh well.

My new bass is hurr, my new bass is hurr!! It's GORGEOUS!! Beautiful gold scrollwork, antique violin corners, beautiful shade of brown, solid wood back (Hurray!), gorgeous deep rich tone. And now, I can play just for myself for the sake of listening to me like I do with piano. On my other bass, I couldn't do that, because I didn't like the tone.

Went to my first tobacco class today. Traded Adderoll for pot. How smooth is that? Everyone there looks like potheads. So. Diet pills, energy drinks, barely eating, barfing what I do eat... I'm bound to lose weight soon!!!! *grin*

/sarcasm.

I can't wait until I'm thin and prettIER (cough cough) that I can go sprinting with me sportsbra. One day... Man, I remember when I was REALLY pretty, and really thin, and I looked hot in my penguin bikini. Lol.

Les Prelude (Liszt) - Still a pain in the ass, slowly getting the runs down
Impresario Concerto (Mozart) - Getting the middle runs sufficiently
Concerto Grosso (Vivaldi) - Had a playing test today and I kicked Jake's ass.

Everything else is easy.

Giving Up

Okay, so I give up with the whole thing about that dude. Le sigh.

Anyways. I'm now dedicated to my bass. There is nothing but bass. I get a new bass today, but dad says I can't touch it until my community service is finished with. Le sigh. How lame is that?

Today sucked. The guy called me a fucking bitch, Jake wouldn't quit yelling at me... I'm overall annoying and very very emotional right now. Haha.

Okay, so I'm not over him.

After being high all weekend, I've thought quite a bit. I'M NOT OVER HIM. How could I give him up?! What the hell is wrong with me? So today I wrote him a note. A very loverly note...

I miss the way you treat me
So tenderly, so lovingly
I miss the way you look at me
Your eyes ever-changing, like glass
I miss the way you hold my hand
I miss the way you sang to me
So softly, so passionately
Do you still feel for me the way he used to?
Be true to yourself.
Just give me an answer.
I miss the way you used to treat me
So tenderly, so lovingly.

I'll never meet anyone like you
And that's what's sad.
Close your eyes and hold me.
Love me like vibrance in white and black.
You never know what you have...
Until you give it up.

And that's the note. I wrote it after making a complete ass out of myself when I was high in 1st period. Hooray. Anyways. He can do one of three things... He could.. Say he still loves me, but refuses to get back with me because I've broken his heart one time too many, Get back with me, or say he hates me and really mean it. Heh... So yeah. After that, I ate some cookies because I felt sorry for myself. A lot of the stuff in the note, has a lot of extra meaning because of previous notes. Like "Vibrance in black and white" He said that was how he loved me once in a note. And I still have that note. And if he'd give me another chance. I'd love him with all my heart.

Anyways. Bass. <3

HYS was fun. It went by pretty quickly. I did better than first chair. PWND. Conductor says I used too much bow on the 8th note runs in the Mozart Impresario Concerto though. I don't know how to fix that. :/ I guess I just have to sit down and work on bow technique for like an hour. Must... Improve.... Heh. And I'm having some trouble with all the accidentals in the middle of the piece. But other than that, all is good. He also said he wanted Adrian and I to experiment on getting the best deep, rich, full, passionate sound out of our bass by pizzing up and not out to the side. Sectional teacher showed us this technique of like... pinching the string with your pizz finger and thumb and just pulling it up and out. Like on a ski slope. It's hard to explain. And it's hard to do without making the string hit the fingerboard and making it buzz. It's also hard not to do so much vibrato that the notes are "twangy." Apparently, I have a problem with that. I guess I'm just used to a LOT of vibrato. Not necesarilly pitch wise, but I move my hand pretty fast. Out of every bassist I've seen, I personally think my vibrato is the prettiest, and that's not being full of myself.

No FBSO rehearsal Tuesday... I was going to work on my duo with Jennifer, but her sister-in-law died. :/ So TUESDAY NIGHT IS FREE! Hurrah. Wednesday is lessons...

Today I have therapy and DivorceCare. Hopefully, Will will be there. Make things funner. I can invite him to toke. ;)

Crossfire last night was great. I got this random guy I'd JUST met to drive me around the parking lot REALLY fast and do donuts. I think his name was Kevin... Lol.

I'm out. *muah*

Get Over Him!

OMG, I can't believe Kaci. She went up to Monty and was like, "Get back together with Victoria!!" Phwoar. But seriously... It pisses me off because yesterday he was like, "You don't know much do you?" And I thought he could be the one I could run to when I felt like no one loved me. And now I'm really insecure because I'm scared he doesn't love me anymore because he never loved me in the first place. Or he's just really finally realizing that I AM stupid and I'm getting fat but the last time I talked to him on the phone... Eh. Nevermind AHAHAHA! I went up to him and was like What's up. He said watching the movie. I asked if he meant he wanted me to leave him alone and he said yes. Geez.

Just give me something to love. I want you. You gave me a chance and I totally blew it. I'm sitting here now and I'm the only one to blame. I know I've broken your heart time after time, but if I could just have opne more chance, my life would be complete. I feel so lonely. Oh God, I'm so ------- lonely. Will somebody please hold me hand and make the hurt go away?

ANYWAYS! Enough of the rant. Haha. People in my broadcasting class want to see me type. Muahaha. I be 1337. Anyways. Lunch was stupid. I ate 12 little powdered donuts. FATTY! Tomorrow I go on an all fruit and veggie diet. No pizza tomorrow, even though it's movie night. Le sigh. Anyways. Jin's bitching at me about how I don't look perfect. :*(

When I get older. I'm getting liposuction.

Music Editorial for Broadcasting

Teaching Music in Elementary School

All children have the ability to be successful with music. Children naturally begin to sing before speech development. However, research has shown that music potential will decline if children are not exposed to quality musical experiences between birth and age eight. This is why elementary school children should be given a chance to have their own musical elective, such as band, orchestra, and choir. Most children are offered choir, art, or athletics in elementary school. And most children in elementary school are offered a music class twice a week, singing songs and such. But I think that elementary school students should be given a chance to play a variety of instruments. Standard Texas instrumentation is to learn about the string family and learn to play the recorder. More options should be offered.

In FBISD, music instruction every day such as choir, band, and orchestra in middle school through high school and college. Children would learn better, and be much better musicians to inspire the world if they were taught at that point when they are more impressible.

And then. I get stuck. I can't think of anything else to write. I need to get in contact with my elementary school teacher and interview her or something. I need help. :(

Monty and the "Emo kids"

Bleeech. This month... HYS audition, spring rehersal, FBSO concert. I've decided to use this one excerpt from the bass part of Les Prelude by Liszt for my fast piece instead of Dragonetti's Waltz. So yeah. I definitely I need to work my ASS off on that. So I'm sitting here once again, in broadcasting. It's so00oo00 hard. If any bassist has any kind of tips on using the bow, bowspeed and stuff (I've got fingerings... sort of) on the 2nd page of Les Prelude. I like this. This is my bass blog. <3>But other than bass... Today, my dad told the princibal about those guys messing with me and my chicky friends and they didn't bother me. Ugh. Silent movie project. I've had it for ages, I just haven't even started it yet. I didn't go to 1st, 2nd, or 5th period because I'm slick like that. I ate lunch under the stairwell with Krista and she bit my nose... ASS FRIES!!! I need new clothes. And I need to start running again. Yay for me, aren't I purdy? Pfft. Now I'm blond. Everybody says it looks better. :D When I start high school, I'll dye it all blond again and then tip it black. I wish I could tip it blue, but I don't think I could. I already had my bangs blue and I got yelled at almost every day. Hmm. I need an editorial topic. I need to research the risks for orchestra being taken away from middle school, and why aren't there orchestras in elementary school. Blah. Wooork. And then I have to do this -HUGE- report on Adolf Hitler. Joy. He was such an ugly baby... Then again, he was always ugly. Heh.I'm really psyched about this FBSO concert. It's going to be -AWESOME-!! Anywho. So today I have lessons with Andrew. I have L'elephant down to the point where I need to spend all 30 minutes on Liszt. Le sigh. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!!! But I'lldo it because later, I'll be happy and when I play it again for other orchestras I'll be even happier. I can't wait for spring break. The friends, the booze, the pot. Ah, finally. Sober for 5 months, and now I will have it.I think I'm going to do my silent movie on bass. Like... I'll be playing, and insert a clip of like.... Prayer by Ernest Bloch (Recorded by Knut Gueller) <-- Which I bought the sheet music for!! :D and then. Uhm. A clip of a record scratching. And then I don't know what will happen next. Something tragic and dramatic. Suggestions? Cha. I'm thinking about appying to HSPVA. But it's too expensive. *sigh* But you know what? Maybe I could audition, convince them I'm -really- good to the point where they really want me there, and thennn they could give me a scholarship. I need to look up on that. Blech. OH! Duh. GRANDPARENTS!!! I want some Coca-cola. I need to do a commercial for broadcasting. "GOT BASS?!" Yeah. I think I'm going to go work on that. Later.

After school:

You know what I hate so0oo much? Two-faced people. Krista told me about this super hot guy, Tray, who apparently keeps trying to say he's emo. But like... Today after school I said outloud that, "People who label themselves are dumb -----." And a lot of them were like, "Okay, see you later." And Tray goes, "Yeah, I hate people like that." >.> And everyone looked at him. Heh. But seriously... Why do they have to be used? Emo is just a short word for emotional, punk is just being different, goth was a race thingy from a different bloody time period. Preps... I don't know, but I don't call people who wear Abercrombie and Hollister preps. Shit, I wear Hollister and have Dyed BLUE hair TOGETHER! I actually wanted to try out for cheerleading. And I have nothing against cheerleaders. They're actually pretty sweet. Phwoar. People are just idiots...

And then there's Monty. Mr. Monty. Secretly, I want to get back with him because no one else cares for me like he does, and I told him that and he just blew me off. He does that all the time now and it just PISSES ME OFF. But then, when you think about the way I treated him for 2 years... He's not giving me half of what he went through. I drove him to the point to where he wanted and/or maybe TRIED to kill himself and he went to the hospital and crap. Like today, he wasside-stepping on a rail and I told him he was going to kill himself and I got a, "I don't give a shit!!" And he never hugs me, and when I asked if I could sit down next to him, he said, "What kind of dumb ass question is that?" Mm, fun. Le sigh. And I blew it. I totally blew it. And I'm to blame! Just... Grr. And honestly, I'm really lonely.